The Joker and the Queen
by Shade Mimir
Summary: Illumi accepts a job from Hisoka against his better judgment. When "a date" proves to really be, "just a date", both his patience and his deductive skills are tested. IllumixHisoka


A/N: First of all, I had no beta for this fic. Please, please, please don't complain about my horrendous punctuation skills. I know I'm comma-retarded. Unless you're offering to beta this piece for me, just pretend the sentences flow as they should.

Second of all, I had read no HunterxHunter fanfiction when I started this. I'm beginning to notice now that most people are portraying Illumi as much more emotionless inside as well as out. This wasn't my impression of the character, so my bad again if I'm not following fan-cannon here. Of course, I'm sure I would have written him the same regardless , of course...

Lastly, I switch between American and Japanese honorifics as I see fit. I also have my own particular style of "tense" when writing. I like to flash my creative license on this one, so... that's that.

With that info aside, I hope you enjoy! I haven't written anything for quite a while, and this was certainly a fun piece to start back with.

The Joker and the Queen

By Shade

_Illumi-kun! I want to hire you._

Hisoka's requests had always piqued Illumi's interest. It might have been more accurate to say that _Hisoka _had always piqued Illumi's interest... or perhaps it was just morbid curiosity.

The first text message had been enough to prompt a curt response.

_For what?_

Illumi's dark eyes had remained fixed upon the screen until a short vibration indicated an answer. Had there been any expression on Illumi's face, it would have fallen upon reading it:

_I need a date!_

_------------------------------------------_

"A date?" Kalluto asked, watching his brother from where he sat on the edge of the bed.

Illumi was going through the contents of his closet. There was a wide-array of weaponry there, yet none that prepared him for- "A date," Illumi confirmed aloud. "You can read what it says there, can't you?"

As if that had been a challenge, Kalluto nodded. "There's an event in York-Shin that I would like to attend, but I require a date. I'm more than happy to pay you, of course... winking face, heart, heart, hea-"

"I know what it says," Illumi interrupted, shutting the closet door and going to retrieve his phone.

Kalluto handed the phone over without issue. "Are you going?"

That was a very good question. While the answer seemed obvious to Illumi, he wasn't at all sure whether this "obvious" answer was a yes or a no. Surely there would be some danger present in this event they would be attending. Social gathers were common-place for sudden anarchy. Then again, this seemed like a job for a bodyguard... and, aside from the fact that Illumi was just the opposite, Hisoka most definitely didn't need a bodyguard.

"No," Illumi said resolutely. Surely this was all a joke. After all, Hisoka did have a very bizarre sense of humor.

---------------------------------

Illumi wondered if it was to humor Hisoka that he was, presently, waiting on the sidewalk across from a lavish hotel. He was sure it would pay off, in the long run, to be on the "magician's" good side, but this seemed like a little much, not to mention ever-so-slightly degrading.

_If I agree, what would I have to do?_

_Just show up._

_What would I wear?_

_You can decide. Illumi-kun is always so dashing..._

Masquerading as a woman was difficult. Illumi had never been able to get his hair just right, though with the right style it was easy to hide pins along his jaw and hairline. It was the height that was trickiest, though Illumi had found it always helped to wear a floor-length dress when trying to make himself appear shorter.

He wondered if Hisoka would recognize him.

_I'll be going as a woman, I assume._

That had been particularly difficult for Illumi to type. He'd already demanded twice his usual fee, but somehow it didn't seem like enough. He hoped his family would be content not to question his motives for accepting such a job should news of it travel past Kalluto.

At least Illumi could console himself with the fact that it was a nice night. It was warm. There was a comfortable breeze and an overcast sky that allowed the city's shadowed alleyways and roof-tops to be even darker. It was a wonderful night to assassinate someone. It was a shame he was wasting it playing dress-up for Hisoka.

Maybe he couldn't console himself after all.

A car stopped at the curb. Illumi was already confident of who was inside, but still waited patiently for visual confirmation. He was very good at waiting.

He took his time in getting out of the car and slipped the driver a discreet tip. Once the vehicle had pulled away, Illumi had a better view of Hisoka. He'd never seen the man in a suit before, but he couldn't help but think it rather fit him. Without his hair slicked up and back and without the makeup on his face, Hisoka could almost pass for normal, if not even somewhat debonair. This, of course, was ruined the moment he opened his mouth.

"Oh, Miss. Illumi, you're so pretty!" With a flourish, Hisoka produced a long-stemmed rose the same offensively red color as his hair.

Illumi accepted the flower humorlessly. "I'm ready to go inside now."

"It is you, right?" Hisoka circled Illumi, looking him up and down and smiling wickedly. "Look at you. Look at your figure..."

Illumi tensed as he felt Hisoka's hands settle on his chest and work their way down. By the time they got to his hips, Illumi slapped the inquisitive fingers away. He didn't need Hisoka going any lower, especially when he was sure he would if he was allowed to continue.

"Yes, it's all very uncomfortable," Illumi confirmed, smoothing down any lumps that impromptu body search had caused in his sleek, black dress. Money had never been an issue for Illumi, but he could still appreciate expensive things. Kalluto had picked out this particular expensive thing.

"How long do you think you can keep the disguise up?" Hisoka asked, moving to Illumi's side and offering his arm. Illumi held on to it graciously, glad to have something to break should the teasing become overwhelming.

"Not long," he said vaguely, tossing his rose to the sidewalk. It wasn't his face changing shape that Illumi was most worried about, it was his internal organs. Corsets had never been very generous with breathing room. "No more than three hours."

"Is that all?" Hisoka asked petulantly as they came to the door. "And here I was, beginning to like Miss. Illumi. Did you do your own hair? Ow!" Even his "ow" sounded amused.

"This looks like an auction to me," Illumi commented, loosening his vice-like grip on Hisoka's arm. "Why would you need a date for an auction?"

"Well, I wouldn't, technically." Hisoka led the way through the posh lobby, weaving a path through the wealthy auction attendees. "But there are so many couples at these things... I was beginning to feel out of place."

"Out of place?" Illumi rooted himself to the spot, nearly causing Hisoka to fall over backwards when he kept on walking. "That's the only reason you hired me?"

"Yes, so?" Hisoka stepped back to Illumi's side. "Did I ever lie to you?"

Illumi considered the question then nodded. "You said that you 'required a date'."

"Yes, _I _require a date. The auction organizers don't require one, I just thought it would look better if I had a pretty lady on my arm." Hisoka's smile broadened. "And you look very nice on my arm, Miss. Illumi."

Suddenly, Illumi wished very much that he hadn't accepted his payment in advance. He really should have seen this coming. "Is there, at least, something important at this auction?" he asked, already fearing he knew the answer.

"Not anymore, I'm afraid."

"Then we're only here because you were bored?" Illumi guessed only to receive another, mildly obnoxious smile from Hisoka.

"Oh, pretty _and _smart."

This was beginning to push it. Illumi made a quick effort to distance himself from Hisoka. "I'll be putting half of the money back into your ac-"

"Don't be like that." Hisoka was quick to catch him by the arm again, a movement Illumi was reluctant to forgive. "There's a restaurant on the second floor. I'll pay for dinner, Miss. Illumi. You'd like that, right?"

He _was _rather hungry. "I would," he said at last. "But not if you keep calling me, 'Miss. Illumi'."

With that issue resolved for the time being, Hisoka led the way to the elevator. He offered his arm to Illumi again but, of course, it was immediately refused. It was the least he could do. Illumi knew Hisoka could be dangerous, but so could the Zaoldyeck assassin standing beside him. Right now, he had half a mind to just let his face return to normal and another half to try his hand at killing Hisoka in a crowded elevator.

With Hisoka gone, he could take care of Gon next. Something about killing two somethings with a stone came to mind, but Illumi wasn't sure why. After all, he'd never liked using stones to kill people. Rocks were such blunt instruments and assassination required precision.

As if reading these very thoughts, or at least the ones that made any comprehendible sense, Hisoka rested a hand on Illumi's shoulder. "You know, I appreciate how willing you are to help out a friend."

"Assassins don't have friends." Whether it was because the elevator was too noisy or because those who had heard was simply pretending they had not, Illumi's words were lost upon everyone but Hisoka.

The magician's smile never faltered. He didn't seem the least bit concerned with Illumi's declaration. "Then, I appreciate how willing my Illumi is to help out his Hisoka."

There was something terribly wrong with that sentence, and as soon as Illumi figured out what it was, he would correct Hisoka. For the time being, he simply filed out of the elevator with the others.

The restaurant met Illumi's expectations, which were always just above expensive or just below robbery, if you were an optimist. With the auction below, the majority of tables were occupied and a line had already formed behind stantions and velvet rope. Illumi wasn't at all surprised when Hisoka went straight to the host. His hand brushed the reservation book for only a fraction of a second, and a moment later they were being seated.

Illumi was still too angry to compliment Hisoka on his trickery. Instead, he lifted the menu and began to read it at his leisure. Ever so slowly, his mental composure began to restore itself. By the time he had ordered, his head was cool and by the time the menus were being taken away, he had forgiven Hisoka for his transgressions entirely.

"Why me?"

"Why not you?"

Illumi was the cautious sort, and a firm believer that all seemingly "innocent" actions held ulterior motives. This was no exception. He just couldn't figure out what Hisoka's motive was. When no explanation came to mind, Illumi was content to simply watch him cautiously.

"I would like that piece of bread," he said at last.

A mildly surprised look passed over Hisoka's face as he glanced down at the bread he was currently in the middle of eating. "There's more bread, you know..." he pointed out, indicating the plate at the center of the table.

"But I know that piece-"

"Isn't poisoned," Hisoka finished rolling his eyes but still smiling as he handed over the bread. "If I was trying to kill you... I would definitely tell you."

"I can't think of any other reason for you to invite me out like this," Illumi insisted, taking a bite of his bread before holding his drink across the table next. He wouldn't let Hisoka hold the glass but waited for him to take a very awkward sip of the beverage before he pulled it back.

"It can't just be because I missed you?" Hisoka asked, tilting his head inquisitively.

"No," Illumi said immediately. "That's not acceptable."

"I enjoy your company. I was bored." Hisoka's shoulders raised slightly in a small shrug. "You can't have friends, but you _can _have clients. I couldn't very well wait for another little coincidence like the Hunter's exam, could I?"

"You _could_." Illumi reasoned, though he couldn't help but be intrigued by the other's words. He couldn't place his finger on the emotion it was tugging at, but the feeling was a nice one.

"Well, I didn't want to. Besides," Hisoka removed his hands from the table as their food arrived. "I think you like my company too, Madam Illumi."

"Illumi"

"Lady Illumi."

"Just, Illumi."

"Mrs. Hisoka."

"Miss. Illumi will be fine, thank you." Taking his fork in hand, Illumi mixed a small amount of each food on his plate into a single bite and held this out to Hisoka.

"Mm, that's..." Hisoka chewed thoughtfully. "Actually, I think I tasted some poison in the chicken."

Had Illumi been one to laugh or even smile, he might have at that point. Instead, he pulled a bite of chicken from the plate with his fingers. Manners had never been too important in the Zaoldyeck household. Meals were to get you through training so the niceties hadn't always been observed. He thought Hisoka would prefer it like this anyway. His mother had once kept a cat he'd fed treats like this, and, if anything, that was what the other reminded him of.

Illumi was right, of course, and when he felt Hisoka's tongue on his fingertips, he doubted it was by accident.

_I need a date!_

If Hisoka had only wanted a night of fun, why call it a date? The choice of words struck Illumi as odd. Romance was no issue of gender for Illumi. It was romance itself that was the issue. Intercourse with a woman would be necessary if he ever wanted a little assassin of his own one day, but emotions of love weren't required.

More than once, Illumi had wondered if his parents loved one another. He'd never actually seen them display any affection outwardly, but did love always call for showers of hugs and kisses?

As he ate, Illumi continued to watch Hisoka, not bothered that staring at him would be construed as odd by anyone who happened to glance that way. (At least ten people had 'glanced that way' by this point, and all were under the impression that, while they weren't entirely sure what sort of medication it was, Illumi was off it.) There was always the chance that Hisoka was doing this as a sort of game. It was more than possible, it was extremely likely.

"I'm not going to have sex with you," Illumi stated bluntly, pushing his plate aside once he was finished. For a moment, he thought Hisoka was going to choke. "That's what you want, isn't it? I've figured it out." Illumi was almost pleased with himself and his, what he now considered to be decent, detective skills.

The new smile spreading across Hisoka's face told Illumi he had at least excited him somewhat. That worried Illumi a bit. He'd only ever seen violence and battle excite Hisoka. If his intended sexual outlet was sitting right across from him... well, Illumi wasn't entirely sure he could win.

"You'll take care of the bill." Illumi stood, certain that at this point it was best to just leave. To his relief, the strange look on Hisoka's face seemed to pass.

"It hasn't been nearly three hours," Hisoka pointed out. Illumi's expression, of course, remained indifferent. "Do I at least get a good night kiss?"

Illumi had only said no to sex. A kiss was something he had never experienced and, outside of his family, there really wasn't anyone he knew better than Hisoka."Maybe." His eyes strayed to the cell Hisoka was, idly, flipping over and over in his hand. "Let me see your phone."

The prospect of a good night kiss was, apparently, too good to pass up. "What are you looking for?" he asked as Illumi took the phone offered to him.

Illumi already had his suspicions as he went through the phone's history.

_I need a date!_

The sent message glowed softly on the small screen.

_Sent at 11:23 PM_, Illumi read. The number that followed was not his own.

_To: Machi_

Machi? That name was one he knew, though it took a moment to, tentatively, attach it to a face. At any rate, it still proved to him that he was the "fall-back" for the date, the "back-up", the blunt rock when a more "precise" instrument could not be found... Illumi had never been very good with idioms.

"Who's Machi?" Illumi asked, not because he didn't have a faint idea or even cared, but because it sounded strong. He'd heard this sort of question asked on daytime television quite a few times in the past, and it had always worked rather well in those instances.

There was a somewhat sheepish smile from Hisoka, and Illumi could feel his chest constrict. A quick glance down, however, told him that he was still holding his disguise.

"She was your first choice." It wasn't actually a question, though Hisoka shrugged in response.

He propped his head in his hand as he stared out across the dining area wistfully. His fun, apparently, was over. "I didn't think either of you would come," he said, tracing a finger around his glass, making the crystal sing. "I get lonely."

"You know I won't be answering any more jobs like this," Illumi warned then, with another glance around the restaurant and a long, hard look to an especially disappointed-looking Hisoka, he added, "which is a shame. I wouldn't have had sex with you, but I think I might have liked to dance."

Hisoka's face brightened momentarily. It seemed he was hoping that comment had been a subtle suggestion. His eyes darted suggestively to the small, marble dance floor peppered with only a few slow-dancing couples. "Well?"

Illumi had learned to dance for a job while he was still a teenager. Ever since, he had quite liked dancing, though he wasn't entirely sure why. This wouldn't be the first time someone else would do the leading. Continuing to play the part of the female didn't bother him in the least.

"All right."

The words barely had time to leave Illumi's mouth before he was being swept halfway across the restaurant. "Just one dance," he warned, feeling the marble beneath his feet and Hisoka's hands travel to his, currently, narrow, girlish waist.

There was a hint of annoyance upon Hisoka's features. The small band of assorted stringed instruments would have been hard-pressed to play any slower. Illumi could tell that he wished he'd waited for a different song. Hisoka had never been one to take anything slowly.

With perfect posture, Illumi rested his hands on Hisoka's shoulders. He followed the other's steps a little stiffly at first. This slow, dispassionate dancing didn't interest him.He focused his thoughts, instead, upon Hisoka and the woman named Machi.

Illumi spent a good bit of time inside his own head. He had never felt much of a need to express himself when petty personal issues could be taken care of with a bit of thought. It wasn't that he was emotionless, rather he'd learned to compartmentalize his feelings. The job was what must be be prioritized. Emotions could always be pushed down, but they were still there. Now, Illumi was fishing deep down for this new one he couldn't quite label.

Was it jealousy? That seemed unlikely. Illumi wasn't a jealous person. He wasn't jealous of Hisoka, who he wasn't certain he could best in a fight. He wasn't even jealous of Killua, who still stood to continue the Zaoldyeck tradition even when he'd adamantly refused it.

No. It wasn't jealousy, Illumi decided. If anything, he was being selfish. An assassin had no friends, but neither did Hisoka. They were both very different and very similar... At least, that had been Illumi's impression. Now, he was seriously considering placing a hit of his own on this Machi woman. If Hisoka had resorted to requesting a date from Illumi instead, obviously she had refused him. But, was he willing to take the risk that she would continue to reject him?

Keeping Hisoka alone meant keeping them similar. Illumi wanted someone he felt he identified with in the world. He was certain now that it wasn't jealousy he was feeling. He was definitely being selfish, and perhaps a bit malicious. Surely, that was acceptable.

One of Hisoka's hands left the assassin's waist. Subtly, it waved and bobbed, its rhythm steadily becoming faster. Simultainiously, the pace of the music increased, and it wasn't long before Illumi traced the movements of Hisoka's hand to the baton of a very old, very confused conductor.

Looking back to Hisoka, Illumi finally noticed the almost guilty smile on his lips. They were, indeed, very similar. It was for that reason that things were now beginning to fall into place.

"Hisoka, was all of that on purpose?"

"Hmm?" Hisoka spun Illumi, but not before he'd noticed the magician's smile broaden.

Naturally, there was the possibility that Illumi had just provided Hisoka with a very convenient and tasteful way out of this whole mess. Whatever the case, Illumi had no time for further questions. A sharp pain ran down his jaw as he was pulled in closer to Hisoka and was dipped backwards.

Illumi's eyes widened marginally, noticing a glint of silver in Hisoka's hand. This was certainly an interesting change of pace.Even when he'd gained his footing again, he put up no resistance, though the room was filling with startled gasps and the dance floor was quickly clearing. The music, however, continued and Illumi kept his promise to finish the song.

Pain like thin streams of electricity spidered along Illumi's hairline, around his right eye, down the bridge of his nose, and ever at the corner of his lips. He could feel his facial muscles contracting , his features lengthening, and even the texture of his skin doing nothing short of mutating. Even pain, however, could be compartmentalized. The job took priority.

When dipped back a second time, Illumi found Hisoka's face inches from his own. "Miss. Illumi is very pretty," Hisoka mused. "But, I'm afraid _my _Illumi is much more attractive like this."

The tightness in Illumi's chest swelled as Hisoka's lips brushed his own. The tightness was uncomfortable but not unwelcome. With it, his selfishness was quickly giving way to possessiveness and even the tiniest bit of obsession.

These emotions were labeled, made note of, and mentally filed away.

The song ended with the uproar. At the same moment, Illumi launched himself out the nearest window. Falling backward, he saw Hisoka on the dance floor. Behind him, the musicians were gathering scattered sheet music. Dishes shattered as a started few made a break for the door and others crept cautiously about, confused by the panic.

Hisoka stood cool and calm, heavily-lidded eyes watching Illumi. The smile he wore now had no guilt in it. There was something unusual in his features, and though Illumi was sure he still saw physical desire there, Hisoka's smile held genuine affection.

Illumi landed agilely amidst a shower of broken glass. A few passer-bys gave startled yelps and ran off, but there was no rush. Illumi removed the remaining pins from his face carefully, eager to give it back its symmetry.

Perhaps the message to Machi had been real. He had no way of knowing. Even if he questioned Hisoka, he doubted he could ever separate the truth from the lies. In the end, perhaps it really didn't matter anyway.

Tonight had been less of a waste of time than Illumi had initially feared. He'd gotten dinner out of it, Illumi reasoned setting off around the corner of the hotel at a brisk pace. He'd gotten to dance. A few half-truths and, roughly, an hour of his life was an acceptable price to pay.

A familiar, offensive shade of red caught Illumi's eye. He stopped on the sidewalk and bent down, snatching up the object before setting off again.

He's not my friend, Illumi reminded himself, delicately straightening the remaining petals of his rose. He's my Hisoka.

A/N: Comments are appreciated! I'm considering making this something of a trilogy, but this hinges largely on feedback. I'm a review-whore an unashamed of it. XP


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